The cold months of Winter had me hibernate like a bear away from everything external. With courage I sat in my fear of old pain to allow another release.
Here is an exert that I wrote during this dark and light time.....
'As I type up my statement I record all the flash backs of being held from someone standing behind me. With his arm around my neck and his free hand over my mouth I am being dragged. Oh here we go again. (I stop typing and go back to when I am around 11 years old) I am dressed in one of my many floral dresses that my mum would have sewn. My pretty church wardrobe of pretend. The facade behind the horror. I remember being dragged by my brother who is 5 years older. That makes him about 16 years old. I am pushed down onto the ground punched in the stomach and told "no one loves you". There is a struggle as I try to break free. My body is flipped over with my arm twisted up behind my back and in a matter of seconds my tights are pulled down and my brother is rapping me. Discarded moments later. Alone in his bedroom I get up and go to the toilet just outside his room. Confused I wipe away the red tinged remnants of evil.
Downstairs my family sit waiting for the Sabbath lunch to be served. I join then. My brother glares at me from across the table. Silenced then .... forgotten.
I allow my keyboard to capture a memory that leaves me feeling great pain sadness and a sickness that chokes me still 37 years later.
For some time I just sat not sure how to process what I feel deep within my body. Using the release method I place all emotion, body pain and memory into the palm of my hands - wiping then clean and releasing. I did this several times. It was big yet I trusted would empty my body of the toxic filth of my childhood.
I leave my office not returning for the rest of the week. In a daze I do the best I can to function as mother and wife. I tell Michael that I had just remembered some more of my childhood abuse. He said it had not surprised him. He cares for me with love and understanding. I am given now what was non-existent in my life before.
A shift toward love
It is the final day in my month that I made a commitment to release PTSD out of my body. It had been preprogrammed that everything would be completed by this day. I feel a tremendous shift throughout my whole being. For the first time in ages I feel inspired to put the final touches on my workshop manuals for the Womens Retreat in Bali which is a little over a month away. I feel excited. This is such a refreshing state of being after the dark cloud of yesterday had darkened my everything. Now it is like sunshine beams through. I notice that outside nature has come alive. I hear birds chirping their chorus of joy. I had been deaf to this sound until now.
From feeling heavy dark and congested I now feel lighter freer and ready. I feel so full of love from everyone in my life that I now overflow. I have enough love that for the first time I finally feel unafraid of sharing.
My workshop manuals are infused with love. My day is filled with love. How perfect because tomorrow I am in court.
I embrace Michael at the end of my day as I drift off to sleep. Within what seemed minutes I open my eyes to realise a whole night has passed. I feel refreshed, energised and ready.
Even though I was faced with old pain, sadness and grief I turned and faced it head on. This was not easy to do and I had so much fear at where it would take me.
To my surprise it took me not only within the clear out and surrender it took me back into my heart. This is where my soul resides. By sitting and listening to her I feel whole again.
Life is always going to have its ups and downs. By bringing myself back into that incredible space of nothing I was able to witness Spring as it gifted me 'JOY'...