More than ever I am noticing the way that I feel in a moment around another person. This is not as a form of judgement, but more of a reflective moment where I wonder if I have ever acted like that or made someone feel the way I feel in their presence.
It is the time of the year when catching up with old friends, acquaintances and particularly family is heightened. Family can make for interesting encounters because you get to re-visit and reflect on the old habits of your upbringing. They can surface and embrace you or slap you in the face.
I was not as fortunate as my husband who was born into an unconditionally loving and supportive family. His parents and siblings are the first ones around if anyone needs a hand. They love doing this.
On the other hand, I was raised by people that always have an ulterior motive, using manipulation and control. I have been given a different set of skills to survive in life.
After opening my heart up fully to feel years ago – I have also felt fully. This has shocked me when I recall and remember the impact I would have had, by the way I used to be.
In my head as a student I know that I was opinionated and stubborn. Always thinking that I had a better way. Or thinking that ‘they don’t know me’ and therefore ignoring the key things that ended up making a big difference in my healing journey. In my head as someone spoke, my own dialogue would take me into how that then applied to my own life. Being the ‘victim’ I always felt that I had to explain myself to everyone. I have always felt misunderstood.
For a long time now after unlearning my life, I have let go of control, expectation and to be needed. I finally understand that everyone doesn’t need to know what I am doing - and I don’t need validation from others in my life.
Now I am trying more to settle into a space of the present moment in my heart. My heart doesn’t question, analyse or compare. I say that ‘I am trying’ because I am human. I try to grant my head a break from worry and concern. I let people form their own opinions, judgements and I do not take too much notice unless I have actually asked for their thoughts.
Having been triggered by the impact of my own reflection in others, I am making a vow of love to myself - to acknowledge, smile and forgive myself for ever leaving an unpleasant impression on another. I am releasing my own short comings and committing to being a better version of self.
The Full Moon approaches tomorrow night – meaning Wednesday is going to be a time of mass release. The Full Moon brings us time to recognise and release all our old ways of being. When I run a retreat it is imperative that ‘Release’ happens first. The shedding of all the negative trapped in the conscious and subconscious – parts of the self that may have been lost to fear, trauma, guilt or shame.
It is a good time leading up to the full moon to write a list of all the things that need to go. I love to then burn the list as a release. When you release you open up new pathways, doorways and opportunities. I encourage you to release the old and prepare for the coming New Year in 2017.
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