Throughout life I was taught, spoken to and moulded by my parents, peers, community and life experiences.
Reaching my own breaking point a few years ago I no longer knew who I was any more. I went to great lengths then to unlearn, review and decide all that I dreamed of in my life and how I could make that a possibility.
I was raised to wear the mask of dysfunction from my own sexual abuse at the grip of my father (the Narcissist) who controlled me through a method called gas lighting (this is where I doubted my own thoughts and had to ask someone else what to do).
At this first shake up I went within. I had to rid myself of the shut-down aspect I had created for survival. This aspect helped me by disconnecting emotionally and physically from the pain and confusion of being bound, sexually abused and then discarded by people that should have loved me.
As an adult I still feared showing anyone my emotions and pain. This was coupled with being numb and unable to experience true joy in my life. At my inner soul space I was able to remove all that ruled my life for more than 40 years. Completely gone – complete freedom. I began to feel fully…….
My next step inward occurred when I went to Mauritius in 2013. This time I disconnected from everything external. Going within I found my tiny vulnerable child that was locked away for so long. Holding my inner child I gently integrated her back into my life. I was still very protective of this part of myself, yet I didn't hide her away any more. I discovered a new found peace and happiness playing with my child-like wonder once more. My world became infused with fun – more laughter. A new freedom to just be ‘me’.
My final shake up, crack open and step inward happened recently. My body this time was the catalyst for change. I discovered that I had an auto-immune disease. This is where my own body was attacking itself. Further work revealed that I had learned how to abuse from my father - just as my brother had. My brother grew to abuse others. I grew to abuse myself. My own perpetrator – me!
I was shocked at first. Then it all made sense. I had learned this while I was young. Relieved, I knew that deep transformation was available. I could reverse, exchange, remove and manifest a new ‘me’.
My work inward began once more.......
This time I went to the before and after space of my ‘nothing’. It was remarkable to be present to the space before I was anything. At this space I was everything – pure and complete.
Then to the final – the future – the End. I met myself at the end of my life. What wisdom I embraced. Snapping me back. With new vision I knew my purpose. All distractions removed, all negative self-sabotage reversed. The reverse of this was self-love – I didn't need to hurt myself any more. Just like that I am now ready to shed my excess body weight. My liver has gone from aggressive and fatty to normal (within 4 weeks) – the Doctors cannot believe this!!! My body pain diminished. I feel awake and alive. I feel motivated.
All using the teachings of the ‘Banyan Method’.
First removing my shut-down self
Then going into the ‘Nothing’ space
Now RESETing to self-love my body
I am grateful that I had the courage to push forward and not give up until I found answers.
This is why I show up. Being part of a bigger whole - I imagine my life 'as is'.