At the base of a big black hole I struggle to breathe, feeling claustrophobic I am surrounded by old stale air that chokes me.
I have re-opened a door back to a time in my life full of fear.
For months now I have had nightmares when I should have rested peacefully. I have been chased, pinned down and prevented from screaming for help. In silence I suffer, exhausted by an old way of feeling. As a young girl I was frozen by this same fear and silence.
I should be excited, next week I will finally be heard and listened to by the courts. I’ll face my predator and look him in the eye. I guess part of me wishes in fairy-tale dreaming that everything will be an opportunity to be strong. Yet inside me I feel like the little girl who still aches. My chest is constricted and choking on old air. My body tight from holding onto remnants of brokenness. Sickened by the unknown, I struggle to make sense of a world that protects the predator. I've been this close before only to be told that everything prepared and endured will just sit in a file…to help the next victim in the future.
Yesterday was Valentine’s Day. A day dedicated to love. I immersed myself in future fun times I long for this year. A lovely distraction.
Then I did what I've done before. I sat in the unimaginable pain, I allowed it to be felt fully. I booked an appointment for a healing massage the following day. I then took my alchemy oils and with intent I wrote out 3 things. First I had to Release. With all my effort I wrote it all out. Including the fears I have about next week’s court hearing. Taking my alchemy oil I circled and scribbled on the paper. I then wrote out my dreams. Doing the same with the Dream alchemy oil I infused the paper. Lastly, I wrote what it would be like to stand in my truth. Rolling the Beauty- Wisdom- Power alchemy oil across the page I felt a shift.
I had not run from the pain, instead I had embraced its ugly truth. From my once dark hole where no light could shine, I began to feel lighter. It felt brighter within and also around. The stale air now infused with fragrance (the alchemy oils helped with that). My chest relaxed and something amazing began to happen, I started receiving enquiries for my tried distraction of events this year. Something had shifted. My head less tired and overwhelmed and my heart while still sad was not as fearful of old pain.
I slept better last night than I have in weeks. This morning I lay in bed and felt supported. Not an external support, I felt supported by me. Being let down by an external expectation is not my focus now. I know that I can support myself with my own tools. I can finally hold my own little girl’s hand and together we will be heard. I promise to let her speak her truth. The responsibility of the verdict is not up to me, if the legal system fails me again it is their own failing to protect others. This I release fully. I am sharing this because writing has become the language of my soul. It helps me empty onto paper the confusion that then makes sense.