Banish the Self - Sabotage......
Understanding over the past month has been the beginning toward my current change. It was a huge wake up call for me to understand that I was in fact going out of my way to self sabotage. Growing up in such a dysfunctional family I learned how to abuse. From a young age I also learned my own self worth didn't matter. I was taught that the needs of others far outweighed my own.
This realisation came about because I have put back on the weight that I had shed back in 2013. I was curious why on a deep sub-conscious level I had returned to the curvy 100 kilos 'me' (that's right I have cracked the 100 kg again!!!). At first I blamed the girls I went to high school with. They used to call me anorexic because I was tiny back then. I thought that I was triggered to put the weight on to try to fit in. This was supported by the reaction of people when I shed my weight in 2013 - everyone had a comment, say I was too thin or not. My weight loss back in 2013 was a shock to my husband, who had grown used to the old cuddly me. His reaction when I shed the weight was awkward and I felt shame that he didn't respond to me the way he used to. I blamed him for the return of my bulge. There were many excuses I have given. All of these are external to me.
I took a long hard look at myself. That's right I looked myself in the mirror again. Into my eyes (the mirror of my soul) and saw deep sadness..... It was a haunting that I had seen before. I realised that my weight may be an external thing yet it was grown from a tiny seed within. There was a self-sabotage within me that grew - I fed this seed with the idea of not being worthy. I knew how to hurt because this is what I learned growing up. I applied what I learned inward toward self.
If I became upset for any reason I would instantly reach for food as a way of suppressing and also feeding the seed of unworthy within.
It has taken courage once more to go within. I have really looked into my soul and realised that 'I am worthy.' I deserve a great happy life - being happy!!!
In guided methods I went back to before anything bad ever happened to me. I then travelled forward to the end of my life. At the end of my life I could review my time on earth. There were things I made important and things that I did not give enough value to. In the wisdom of the future 'me' or the higher self I could see that I had to embrace myself TODAY completely. I had to love myself. Saying "I matter" and "I am worthy of all the things I dreamed of."
For the past couple of weeks I have focused on my body and how it really feels. I have listened to how I feel before I eat. Doing this, I have discovered that I am often just thirsty for water and dehydrated and not hungry at all. I make sure that I am not eating out of need to suppress emotion. When emotion comes up I am now completely present to it.
I have set new goals and these involve putting on a bikini once more when I travel to Bali in October. I cannot wait to go back through my medicine wheel and work in directional space to manifest a desired self, ignite my passions, rinse in forgiveness and connect back into the wisdom within............
Bring it on ...!!!!!
"Understanding is the Start of Change".......
Love Rosie x
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