Blog - Rosie Banyan by Rochelle

I have been lucky enough to be accepted to the 2018 Business Chicks Immersion and Leadership Program. In February 2018 I will be travelling to Senegal, Africa with other program participants and partaking in a once in a lifetime experience - women helping women in the most beautiful and transformative way.

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Recently something occurred that caught me by surprise and caused me to rethink my whole being. I saw a tiny light. I saw me and my connection to something much bigger. It became perfectly clear what I needed to do and how I was going to do that.

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At the base of a big black hole I struggle to breathe, feeling claustrophobic I am surrounded by old stale air that chokes me.
I have re-opened a door back to a time in my life full of fear.
For months now I have had nightmares when I should have rested peacefully.....
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More than ever I am noticing the way that I feel in a moment around another person. This is not as a form of judgement, but more of a reflective moment where I wonder if I have ever acted like that or made someone feel the way I feel in their presence.

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The cold months of Winter had me hibernate like a bear away from everything external. With courage I sat in my fear of old pain to allow another release. 
 
Here is an exert that I wrote during this dark and light time.....
 
'As I type up my statement I record all the flash backs of being held from someone standing behind me.....
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Throughout life I was taught, spoken to and moulded by my parents, peers, community and life experiences.
Reaching my own breaking point a few years ago I no longer knew who I was any more. I went to great lengths then to unlearn, review and decide all that I dreamed of in my life and how I could make that a possibility.
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Where Does Your Mind Go? 

Distraction was my biggest obstacle. When I stepped out of my life back in 2013 I had no idea that I was being shown the power of distraction. I flew away from everything physical yet remained distracted in my mind. I was obsessive with everything - my every thought was about all I left behind. It was preventing me from going deeper into my own core.

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Banish the Self - Sabotage.....
It has taken courage once more to go within. I have really looked into my soul and realised that 'I am worthy.' I deserve a great happy life - being happy!!!

 

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The universe has a message. I had to address the programming of my mother. She had a huge influence on how I learned to be shut down during my childhood.  She taught me about my own unworthiness. I learned that my emotions were not worth honour.

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Finally after working out the core of my own self-sabotage -
I am going to permanently create change today.....
At mid-life something has stirred within. This has been due to any unfinished, incomplete knowing and questioning of self.
Who am I?
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